John’s Requested Response to: “13 Things a Woman Can do To Be More Attractive to Men”

The first thing that bothered me about this article was the title. “Woman” and “Men” are not even in the same tense! I can tell already this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s get rid of the title.

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That’s better. The author of this article http://thoughtcatalog.com/john-smith/2014/06/13-things-a-woman-can-do-to-be-more-attractive-to-men/ , John Smith,  writes this article not as an insult, but as a guide! He only wishes to help women conform to his exact standards to become more attractive, that’s all. But since I differ in opinion…a lot…I’m going to take a closer look at these “tips”. (And if you read the long article, but don’t feel like another one, or want to just skip to commenting that he’s right, there is a TL:DR version of all my points at the bottom of this page)

1. Be In Shape

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “Regarding your diet…you do not need to starve yourself; you do not need those greasy chips either.”

This stunned me when I first read it. How dare Smith suggest that? Everyone deserves greasy chips, they are a basic human right. Other than that, the glaring issue with this tip is: What the hell does be in shape mean? Everybody and every body is different. “In shape” for one person looks radically different for another: compare the in shape bodies for a swimmer and a wrestler. He goes on to say that the body size should fall in between “a bag of bones” and “smuggling beach balls”.

It’s true that there is a standard of beauty that is plastered around America. But the fact is there are still men that shockingly don’t conform to those narrow standards alone and love women of all shapes and sizes, destroying the dumbest metaphor I’ve seen since…I actually haven’t seen a dumber metaphor.

2. Lay Off the Body Modification

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “Men gravitate to natural hair color, tasteful and coverable tattoos (if any at all), and piercings that are not out of control and all over the place.”

Haha, are you kidding me? If a girl had an avatar the last airbender tattoo on her face, the minimum I have to do is offer to buy her a drink. This is another point that makes a sweeping, general observation. Even if Smith’s talking about the extremes, wherein a person (note to author of this article: when making generalizations, stick to everyone, not just one gender) has a “lot of piercings” who’s to say that a guy wouldn’t find that attractive? Last time i checked, the existence of the website: http://www.worldtattooevents.com/, The INTERNATIONAL tattoo conventions calendar, suggests that there are quite a few people who are fan of more than just “tasteful and coverable” tattoos.

3. Make Your Own Money

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “If you make more than him, more power to you, just refrain from throwing it in his face like some form of one-upmanship.”

This is a unique entry, because I generally agree that making your own money is a good tip.

But what hell is this doing in a relationship article??!! I know from personal experience that you should exchange phone numbers before you swap credit scores (I didn’t make it to the first date). Point is: making money should not directly relate to attractiveness. There are plenty of attractive people in between jobs or on hard times. And on the other extreme regarding a woman making more money: Dude, you’re starting to sound a little insecure.

4. Be Feminine

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “Men want to date WOMEN, not men with vaginas.”

I started writing this article at 9 am, however, my brain ceased all rational function after seeing this and I had to continue at noon. I can’t debate the sheer stupidity of this statement. It’s just too dumb. He didn’t define feminine (a reoccuring problem in this article) so I assume he means wearing dresses, spraying perfume and watching the Lifetime channel. In that case, women don’t need to be “feminine”. At all. Period. And I’ll offer this: If you are a woman, and a guy says that you would be more attractive if you were more feminine, walk out of the room, find a decent man and return to the original asshole you left.

Then punch him in the face.

5. Be Submissive

NOPE. NOPE. NOT EVEN GOING HERE. The amount of terrible word diahrrea from this entry is so high that I refuse to wade into it and address it. Let me put it this way. If you can read the original entry and not immediately want the author kicked in the balls for the ensuing paragraph, then you are currently still plugged into the Matrix.

6. Sex Life

Author’s D-Bag Quote:  “We get it, you want to be able to sleep with the college football team and not be judged for it the same way he ran through the cheerleading squad.”

*Sigh*. This tip is depressing because it makes me realize that I’m not even halfway through. Okay…let’s, for the sake of argument, say that the “guy” here somehow managed to get through a whole cheerleading squad without one of them having a boyfriend or common sense, and that the “girl” here wants to sleep with the college football team’s kicker. The guy here should be thrilled! Obviously, if they both have the sexual mojo to sleep with entire athletic organizations, they should be able to easily score with each other in the bedroom. (See what I did there?) The author does concede that “the average Joe” won’t see that many women anyway. In that case, the average Joe should be thrilled! If a woman has chosen you out of the entire football team, congrats! But feel free to judge the woman anyway.

This entry also said that “men want women that have a few past sexual partners.” Right, because there’s no religious belief that would disagree with that. Also, the author says the woman “should have a lot of sex.” What does a lot translate to? 15 times within 15 minutes? Once a week? Every time Maury comes on? DEFINE YOURSELF FOR ONCE, JOHN SMITH!

7. Be Intelligent

Ironic, given how this article’s been going so far.

8. Be Childfree

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “Men don’t want instant families…this goes double if you have multiple children and/or if your children are biracial.”

In pg-13 movies, you are only allowed to use a certain “f” profanity once in the entire film. I like to think my blog is PG-13. This is where I make the exception. So John Smith…fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou.

It’s bad enough that he has the assholery to insist that a woman never have kids with another man. But why the hell is race or the amount of children relevant? Yes, I understand that some men (and women) don’t want kids, but here’s the thing: THIS ARTICLE IS GIVING ADVICE ABOUT BEING ATTRACTIVE. How does having kids make you less attractive? Would John Smith not want to date Beyonce because she’s had Blue Ivy? (Trick question: Jay-Z would kill him.) I’m honestly interested in hearing what John Smith recommends for women who already have kids. I”m guessing its, “If you have kids, give them to an aunt or send them to boarding school. This way, the man can pretend the woman has had no prior existence before he stepped into her life.” I would address the child support comments he made here, but I’m going to bet there’s a reason Smith knows so much about child support law, and I’m truly afraid to find out.

9. Be Willing to Cook at Least Three Times a Week

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “I wish I knew where things had taken a turn for the worst in women’s progress, but apparently the domestic ability of being able to feed yourself without ordering takeout or putting some TV dinner…has fallen by the wayside.”

The year was 1950. Little Sally is born to Jane and Jim on April 2nd at 8:00 a.m. At 9:00a.m., that adorable little Sally was off cooking her dad a four-course meal with the kitchen utensils extracted from her mother’s womb. Fast forward to 2014, where Sally can only shake her head in disgust as her 22 year old granddaughter is too busy solving calculus equations on her ipad to boil an egg. Sally shakes her fist at the sky, “When did everything go so wrong?” The 22-year-old granddaughter couldn’t hear her old grandmother as she was too busy finishing engine modiications for the Harley she custom built to get to her job on the construction site. Before riding off, her husband texts her to pick up a few things from the store, as he is Gordon Ramsey, and prefers to cook an astonishing four times a week because he likes it.

10. Put Down the Phone

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “It is amazing how many things top being “awkward” when you learn to not use one of your various electronic screens as an emotional buffer.”

Oh hey, kinda of like this article must have been a buffer for you, John Smith! I actually don’t disagree with this tip at all. I just hated its presentation, its examples, and the blissful ignorance that men do the exact same damn thing.

11. Ease Up on the Makeup

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “It is bad enough that the makeup industry is a multi-billion dollar industry that essentially tells women that they are ugly.”

Oh sorry, I messed up here. I’m not used to the author saying something decent. This would be more appropriate for him:

“What is even worse is that half of you come out of the house looking like Bozo the Clown.”-John Smith

This is another tip that isn’t completely horrendous, but still bad advice. I personally know friends who have the most amazing eye makeup I’ve ever seen. I’m talking hunger games eye makeup good. If I tried their makeup on, I’d probably look something like Prince. Just as the definition of “in shape” varies by body type, makeup varies for skin tones and bone structure. There’s no universal “too much” for makeup in this case; but once again, with no definition here other than “don’t look like bozo the clown”, I have no idea what you’re looking for here.

12. Stop Cussing

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “Coming from someone who is a United States Sailor…If you think you are such a fucking lady, you had damn well better act like it for once.”

This is a logical fallacy known as appeal to authority. Basically, this is when you claim accuracy on a topic based on the fact that you hold a certain title. I have nothing but respect for our military forces. But I don’t generally think of our armed forces as the judges of whether a lady can say, “Shit.” The other logical fallacy is correlation vs causation. Meaning that here, Smith believes that a woman’s “lady-ness” is related to the amount they curse. Which also…no, doesn’t really work that way.

I will concede here that if cursing makes you uncomfortable, then, by all means, find a partner that curses a bit less. But if you think a woman cursing subtracts from attractiveness, I suggest you watch Marisa Tomei in My Cousin Vinny.

13. Stop Hoarding Guy Friends

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “9 out of 10 of your guy friends just want to sleep with you anyway…The first guy that comes to comfort you after a big fight will also be the first one to say, “He’s not good enough for you”…and then…try to get into your pants…”

Whoa, whoa, whoa, John, don’t give away the secret! Cause, you know, this always totally works. I remember the last friend I comforted after her big fight had her shirt off before I had even mentioned that maybe her problems stemmed from her boyfriend getting his relationship advice from thoughtcatalog. This tip somewhat relates to a previous blog post I’ve written about the “Nice Guy”, so if you want to get into that whole debate, check that one out. I’ll just say that if the women you are interested in is friends with the entire football team, then you might want to get to know these guys. Not only is it cool that have that kind of muscle support, but getting to know them and their approval will help build trust between you and the woman in question. Having guy friends actually works in your favor here, as opposed to the alternative (all her friends being vicious man-eating lions.)

In order to prevent people like me from striking back at his articles’ central ideas, Smith prepared counterpoints. I shall now counter them.

A. “You don’t speak for every man out there.”

Author’s D-Bag Quote: Obviously not every man wants every single trait on here, but the less that you deviate from the standard, the more “marketable” you are.

Right, like a job interview. I’ve addressed this in earlier points, but I ask you: If you had no intention of speaking for every man out there, why did i keep seeing “men want this and men want that” instead of  “John Smith” or  “I want this”?

B. “That goes both ways.”

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “Nice observation. You are fully at liberty to have the same standard(s) for the men you date. You should write an article about it.”

Nice point, I did. But if the standards are the same, wouldn’t it just be more time effective to apply your article to men?

C. “Don’t tell me what to do or how to be.”

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “I am just giving you some insight into the minds of men once the filter has been taken off.”

Strangely enough, when I got my filter taken out to be replaced mid-afternoon today, I still continued writing this article the same way.

D. “My boyfriend loves me just the way I am. I don’t have XYZ and I have lot of men chasing after me.”

Author’s D-Bag Quote “Good for you. Everybody settles in some aspect. He has simply learned to accept your faults.”

I pray that one day, someone can accept yours too, John Smith.

E. “Insert random hostile comment that attacks me directly.”

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “Ad Hominem. Debate the ideas presented. You will be more productive that way.”

Wow! I actually had time to debate the ideas presented AND attack you directly. That’s like…ad awesome! Oh and remember those logical arguments I brought up in 12?

F. “I would do this, but…”

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “You can rationalize it all you want. It doesn’t detract from what men want. You can’t argue someone into finding you attractive.”

That’s true, I did try to argue that I was attractive to my cab driver once, but he was too busy swerving in and out of traffic to care.

TLDR Version/Conclusion

I won’t speak for all men, but I will address every woman: Don’t change a damn thing. Not just what “Flaws” were defined by this list. If you’re truly going to meet someone special, someone to spend your whole life with, he/she better find you attractive for a hell lot more than the number of meals you have time to cook in a week. If you notice you have a bad or destructive habit for your health (Like watching Paranormal Activity each year) and you feel like you need to change, then do it. Don’t let thoughtcatalog, elite daily or buzzfeed’s quizzes define what’s attractive. You be the best version of you there is and I guarantee you’ll notice that you became more attractive. And men, if you’re looking to be more attractive, this advice can easily apply to you as well. So, go out there. Smile wide. Keep an eye out.

And for the love of god, don’t listen to John Smith.

 

 

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Hunger Games 2.5=This summer’s must see!

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(Image courtesy percyandkatniss.tumblr.com/post/82202055045)

Oh, how I love movie trailers.

They have just a little time to convince you throw down money on a new and exciting idea. Or, if they want to pay it safe, careful editing can make you pay money for a similar idea.

To get the full grasp of what I’m talking about, you should see this trailer: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jyZi85cl9N4

Yes, that is a trailer for the Purge Anarchy (Purge 2 in its friend circles). Yes, I’m calling it Hunger Games 2.5. Why? This one trailer. Now before you think I”m crazy(er), I know they are two completely different stories. The Hunger Games series revolves around a futuristic world where children are taken from 12 districts to kill each other in an event once as year as proof of how futile it is to revolt against the Capitol District. The Purge series revolves around a futuristic world in which, one night each year, there is an event where all crime is legal. They really couldn’t be more different!

So let’s compare a few similarities:

Hunger Games and Purge Anarchy both take place in futuristic America.

This is an easy one. Hunger Games takes place in an America that presumably has suffered through a nuclear war. Purge Anarchy takes place in an America that has suffered through a war on logic. (Purge people, seriously, just go to Canada) Hunger Games barely plays on this fact, leaving the fact that we’re on a scorched earth as an background event. Purge puts in front and center, constantly reminding of you of the fact. In both cases, we’re left in an irrevocably changed America.

The Government Shows Dominance through Death

In modern day America, the government shows its power mainly through taxes, an inevitability in our society. But futuristic America will rely on the other inevitable part of life: waiting at the DMV. (A.K.A. death). The Purge’s government flexes its authority by letting people kill each other (because that’s totally what everybody would do) for 12 hours. This also helps them rid themselves of homeless and political enemies. In the Hunger Games, the Capitol sends kids to die each year to show that they’re pretty serious about the districts not revolting ever again. Also, they can get rid of homeless children and in the Catching Fire, political enemies. Hey, wait a minute…

One Person Wants to Challenge the System and Inspire Others

This is where I admit that I didn’t actually see the Purge. But I’ve read sixteen summaries online, so I’m pretty confident that I know what’s going on. The gist is that the main broody antihero in Purge 2 is fighting against the natural order of the purge because he’s been pushed too far. After all, they did kill his son, albeit indirectly. From the looks of the trailer, he’ll get a crew together to fight the power. Hunger Games 2 Katniss is all about that noise too. At this point in the series, she’s sick of the capitol indirectly and more often directly killing pretty much anyone. So she bravely fights against the system! Inspiring others to do so!

Rich people are just horrible

In the Hunger Games, this is a little easier to swallow. Katniss grew up in a shack her entire life. When she meets the rich and high society folks, she learns quickly that they all have a different set of values. When the rich do something like cheer or sponsor their favorite soon-to-be-dead kids, you can guess it’s because of their culture. Butttt it’s still pretty messed up.

At the 1:42 mark in the Purge trailer, we see rich people bidding on the purge participants. We see a group of people going into streets, (a Hunger Games arena if you will), and fighting to survive against other people, (Hunger games tributes if you will), while the rich people watch for entertainment, (Hunger Games if you will) And of course, this was instigated, supported and enjoyed by the rich. And it’s really messed up. Especially because some of them probably go to work with some of purge tributes in this world.

Conclusion

Believe it or not, at the end of the day, even though I rag on it for *similar* elements I don’t actually hate the idea of Purge 2. I’m actually infinitely more interested in this entry in the series than I was last year for the original. But the only reason I got invested is because of a trailer for the film that relates to another movie series that I’ve already seen. Despite other Purge trailers playing up different elements of the film, the overarching themes between this movie and Hunger Games are hard to ignore. Not to say that Hunger Games didn’t have a lot of similarities to the Japanese Battle Royale (that’s another article) and that Battle Royale probably was inspired by something else. At the end of the day, Purge 2 could still turn out to be a solid experience for a lot of moviegoers. Just don’t think of it as too revolutionary or original.

Think of it more as Battle Royale 4. Sorry, I mean Hunger Games 2.5.

An Open Letter to that Nice Guy that the Girl Just Let Go (Wow, that’s a long title)

Dear “that nice guy” referred to me by “the girl that was too late”,

I attached this dramatic yet sexy pic to draw attention to this article. The picture on your friends’ article was deep: it represented the lost love and painful memories it brings. I followed your cue and have a picture too: it represents me standing on the beach.

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Now that you’re here: I have a confession to make.

I’ve been a nice guy.

Yes, in the past, I’ve held doors open for strangers, done favors for people and even…donated to charity at convenience stores. So I’m completely with you on supporting the elitedaily article that’s being everywhere today! I didn’t have time to read it of course but now I do and…

Ohhhh, we’re talking about that kind of “nice guy”.  Okay. Then I immediately retract my support.

Let’s define the term “nice guy” for the purposes of this post. The definition will be, “A guy who is friends with a girl while being expectant of a serious relationship to develop. These feelings may not initially be the reason why they became friends, but circumstances have changed and he is counting on a relationship now.” <-If you’re a “nice guy” and this definition is incorrect for you, then you’re the kind of nice guy that I mentioned in the first paragraph. If the definition does fit you, then Buddy, we need to talk.
I’m going to be serious here and admit, I’ve been in the “nice guy” position before. So when I call you out here, I’m also calling out past me. He’s actually kind of an annoying guy.

Yes, it’s fantastic that you’re nice and respect women. I think it’s great that you’ve listened to all of that girls’ concerns and were a rock when it was needed. And the fact that you’re doing this out of the kindness of his heart and that satisfied you is great!
And you should be satisfied.

When hear “nice guys” like complain because they were so awesome to the girl who is the target of their affection and she doesn’t return that, I reflexively say, “So what?” Are there really that many of you who honestly believe that doing good deeds for a girl you’re attracted to is enough of a foundation for a relationship? Let me put it this way:

You have a 60 year old neighbor, Ethel. Since you were 9 years old, she’s baked you pies, driven you places and even listened to your problems. And hey, Ethel is also a fox that looks quite good for her age. One day, Ethel says, “Hey “your name”, can I collect on all that goodwill now and can I start dating you?” Nine times out of ten, you would not accept the offer on the spot. Is it because she doesn’t know you? Nonsense, Ethel’s seen you go through puberty. Is it because she’s not attractive? No, I mentioned earlier that she was a foxy lady. So what is it? Why don’t you just give into Ethel? You guys have been friends for so long! Are you saying you just want to continue the friend thing that has worked all through the 90’s up until now and not commit to her even though she was really nice???

Oh, that’s exactly what you’re saying.

Although the above situation may seem ridiculous and overexaggerated (how many Ethels do you know?), that is essentially what is the main misunderstanding every nice guy situation. Yes, you may have genuine and developed feelings for the girl in question. And maybe there were times when you were the only person she could count on. But, and I want you to really think about this:
How does she feel?

I know you. You want her to be happy and away from all every single asshole out there(Btw, this is not your responsibility). Would this girl that you care so much about be happiest with you? Really ask yourself this. Are you the best fit for her? Are you guys perfectly compatible in every way? This goes deeper than those movies you both like or the concert you went to with your mutual favorite band. I mean: is there a genuine spark that both of you share?

Yes, there are relationships that can develop over time. But if she doesn’t want to develop it…then why guilt her when it doesn’t work? Why is it her fault that she didn’t reciprocate your feelings? Think about Ethel. Are you feeling guilty that you’ve lead Ethel on all these years now? She hasn’t dropped any hints up to this point. Or maybe you’ve missed them. Do you feel guilty? Honestly, probably not. So the crux of the nice guy argument, that you are entitled to a relationship, is broken. And not remotely fair.

I think that the media is a big part of why you think this way. When you were little, you saw princes constantly save damzels in distress and then end up with the girl at the end (with little feedback from the princess). When you were teenagers, you saw action movies where the big strapping hero gets the girl he rescues (with witty banter in between, but little resistance from the woman)And now you’ll watch a few rom coms, where the nice guy always gets the girl…in the end (you get the point). From birth to adulthood, you’re taught that this model works. Every time.

You’re also taught one other constant: the other guy in the movie is an asshole. You are hard-pressed to find a rom com wherin the guy who the hero competes with isn’t a bad guy. It’s always boils down to, “bad guy insults her cause he doesn’t know what she really likes!” Or the movie will depict the girl in a bad relationship that she doesn’t get out of until the nice Owen Wilson comes along and saves her from Bradley Cooper. (somehow that seems backwards) How would it be if the movies depicted the 2nd guy as a decent person who is just trying to meet a new romantic interest? Or if he was…gasp…also a nice guy! Then the final scene where the hero stops his love from getting on the plane/train/altar at the end would make you cry…for the poor nice guy left standing at the altar, wondering what he could have possibly done to avoid it.

So to counter all this bad media, nice guy, go watch Love Actually. Pay close attention to Rick Grimes. He is a nice guy that is in love with Elizabeth Swann, but she is marrying his friend, Solomon Northup. At the end of their section of the movie, he (kinda) confesses her love to her. And what happens next? Elizabeth thanks him with a single kiss and returns back to her husband. It is such a poignant and well-crafted moment. It should be shown in a lot more romantic comedies: because it’s realistic. And sometimes it’s the best we can hope for.

“Nice guy”, I hope this letter got you thinking a bit. To recap: If you think you deserve a relationship solely on the virtue of you being nice to a girl, then you are wrong. If you think you two have excellent chemistry and would be good together, that’s fantastic! Try asking her out and seeing if it works. And if you make it to the dating stage and she decides it isn’t working, accept it. At the end of the day, if you are the nice guy that you claim to be, then you should want what’s best for the both of you.

Sometimes relationships will develop like Jack and Rose from the Titanic. Other times, it’s one of the sad endings of Love Actually. Keep an open mind. Keep your niceness, because if it’s honest, somebody, someday, will appreciate it.

And for goodness sake, call Ethel and tell her you’re just not that into her.

Sincerely,
Another Guy.