#CoffinSelfie-A Simple How-To Guide

(Disclaimer: The above hashtag is meant to be hypothetical. This is not referring to the SCANDAL picture that was trending on twitter. From what I hear, it’s a fantastic show. Moving on.)

I have a quick google search for you to perform. Type in funeral selfies. Oh, you don’t want to sift through 10,000,000+ results? Here’s a few highlights:

There's no real place to start when talking about what's bad about this.

There’s no real place to start when talking about what’s bad about this.

I'm not so sure he was unaware of this...

I’m not so sure he was unaware of this…

Even though it was a memorial service, it's still inappropriate. Thanks, Obama!

Even though it was a memorial service, it’s still inappropriate. Thanks, Obama!

Point is, #funeralselfie is gonna be played out soon. If you’re going to stand out from all of those other guys, you’ll need something unique. #CoffinSelfie hasn’t been populated yet, but you could be one of the pioneers.

“But how would I manage that? Who will pay my cellphone bill after I go?” You ask. Well, hypothetical reader, the bill is paid until the end of the month. So you have enough time. But the better question to ask is how do you condition yourself so that you’re able to take a selfie at your own wake? And even better, how do you guarantee that lots of people will see it? Well, allow me to guide you.

Here are the four phases that lead to you kicking off the #CoffinSelfie.


The first key to this is lots of lots of practice. If you were born in the early 90’s, then you’ve only had a few years of your life to sharpen that selfie game ‘til it’s perfect. This is where the younger generation will have an edge on you. Most of them will get their hands on a cell phone before you can stop calling them “tweens”. They’ll have plenty of years on you! (Ironically)

But technology is also to blame. Innovations like the front facing camera have made the art of selfie easier than ever. Now you they don’t even have to shoot and hope like the cameraphone days, there is a clear HD display reflecting their exact image. Not to mention flash capabilities, camera filters, cropping…ugh, they know so much.
And to top it all off, they have consistent access to internet from a young age. Do they even have to go through many steps? Nope! There are instant share options for every app that are built right into the camera software. All in all, kids will have you beat on accessibility. But don’t feel too bad. You’re still older.

Now that you’re well versed in hashtag language, you’re going to need to get a following going. The easiest way to do this is to jump on the bandwagon of the latest trend. It’s easy. Check out what’s trending on twitter and copy that. And don’t say something silly like, “Why can’t I just invent something new?” Ridiculous! You think planking started by being original? Get real. Stick to the norm and suppress your creative impulses.

Once you’re done with your #nofilter #gallonsmashing #runningforcongress selfie trends, you will have gathered a huge following behind you. Believe or not, you’re halfway there!

Assaulting the Internet With Your Selfies

This is what separates the Gen Y’ers from the Gen Whiners! (Thank you, I’m here all week). You must continuously post selfies. Non-stop. No, you can’t take a break. Wake up? That’s a selfie. About to go to bed? That’s a selfie. Dunkin donuts mess up your order? Well, that’s just a sadface coffee selfie, isn’t it? Selfie, Selfie, Selfie, Selfie, Selfie, Selfie. You cannot stop, you must be relentless.

This is important: Don’t waste any time instagramming food. The people who are consistently on their phones looking at twitter or scrolling through facebook are a completely different breed from you.

Those people are simply using the phone as a barrier between themselves and reality. They are unsure how to interact with one other without a constant distraction present. The reasons for this are numerous, but I think it comes down to fear.

On the internet, you have plenty of time to say what you want. If you write or post something stupid, you can take it write back. (That’s why their are never spelling ererrs in my postss.) In real life, although the stakes are exactly the same for a misstep or a gaff as they would be in the internet, and that people can take what you say wildly out of context easier on the internet if you just leave it and walk away, it’s still more nervewracking to take the risk and communicate. So since we can’t use it to communicate with the person sitting across from us, we use it as a shield instead. That way, if asked a difficult question all we need to do is look down at a phone and pretend to text while we form the right response.

Whoa, but I am getting off track! Point is: you are nothing like those posers who are taking instagram posts. You’re in touch with your self(ie). So keep taking those countless selfies! Do it for years and years and years and years until…


The average life expectancy is about 80.1. A recent study found that on average, children are 12.1 when they receive their first mobile device. So your younger contemporaries will again have the edge here: they’ll have, on average, 68 years to practice. But I believe in you! After all, you accessed the selfie game easily, gained the approval of many on your friends list, and have assaulted the internet with your presence. Your loud demand to be noticed will not go unnoticed!

Since you have spent about 50 years taking selfies constantly, your body is conditioned to do it unconsciously. You should notice that you’ll wake up with a bunch of selfies your body took reflexively. (Good for #sleeping selfies!) Of course, if you’re not sleeping because using smart phones before bed has been recorded to make it harder to fall asleep, then you should still be taking photos reflexively in the bathroom, in the car, and at that parole hearing of yours. After these 50 years, you never have to think when you’re taking a selfie again!

Now that you’ve achieved all of this, sit back (or rather lie back, amiright?) in your coffin and you’ll take the photo automatically…

Wait a minute.

They sell coffins at coffin stores right? Why don’t you just climb into one of those while you’re alive to get your selfie? It will save you a lot of time, energy and cloud storage space. Plus, you don’t have constantly show your friends what is essentially the same image every day. It would be the equivalent of showing them Pitch Perfect every day. It’s great, but after a while, it’s just gonna get weird and maybe even…annoying. Haha, impossible. Pitch Perfect could never get annoying amirite?

Reader, I hope you got through all of the guide before embarking on a 50 year quest to capture your #coffinselfie. If you already have, I admire your dedication, but some people may have beaten you to the punch. (The younger generation. Again.)

And if you’re reading this in the future, I hope that selfies don’t die out before you do. We need selfies. Without them, how would you know if you were here on earth at all?


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