For this installment of AreteAdvice, I decided to lend an ear to people who really needed it: The cast of the Walking Dead.
Sheriff Friendly writes,
I got a question about my son, uh…Snarl. He’s growing up in a walker infested world, where he has to fight everyday to survive. On top of that, he may be a sociopath. When’s the right time to teach him stuff, and things…about the birds and the bees?
Dear Sheriff Friendly,
It sounds like Snarl has it pretty rough out there. With undead beasts hungry to devour him each day while you fight for basic needs, he may have a lot on his mind. That said, I think it would be good to teach him the birds and the bees as soon as you can. With the constant threat of marauders, wild animals and gingivitis, who knows if you can afford to wait to teach him these things! (Unless you’re the main character. Then you don’t have to worry about dying or anything.) So take Carl out for a fishing trip/walker run and tell him about the stuff and things that got him and his sister there. He’ll thank you for it later. If you survive.
Oh and good luck with that sociopath thing.
Q: I’m a single woman looking to reenter the dating life after the loss of my husband and half-season loss of my daughter. There is a guy with a crossbow that catches my eye that I deeply care about, but I can’t seem to get his attention. Any tips?
Sounds like that guy with the crossbow shot you straight in the heart! There’s only one cure: some apocalyptic romance. First, find some squirrels for a gamey surprise dinner. Then get a nice big fire ready. (But don’t throw anybody in! Hahaha, jk!) Once you get him there, have him turn and look at the flowers while you pull some drinks. (Not peach schnapps). If you do all of this and he resists you, then maybe it’s not meant to be. Because what man could resist romance and squirrels?
Q: I’ve heard about this big group lead by a police officer that somehow manages to keep a baby alive. They sound like they’re pretty strong and reliable. Should I join them? P.S. I’m a 5’8 black man.
Dear T-Dog 7,
I know that group well! They’re cool guys. All you have to do is earn their trust and they’ll protect you. It may take a while, but it’s worth it. Once you’re assimilated into the group, you’ll be untouchable. Oh, when you arrive, be sure to bring a condolences card for the last black guy who just died.
That may sound a little troubling, so let me explain. For some odd reason, every time a new black guy joins the group, another black guy dies. Sometimes there’s a delay, but it happens every time. But don’t get too worried! Usually it’s the black guy that’s been around the longest. So as long as you’re new or second newest, you should be fine. Once you’re the oldest though…
GET THE HELL OUT OF THERE!
Q: Sometimes when I’m on open roads, I flip my car over for no reason. Any advice?
You’re beyond my help.
Got a question for areteadvice? Know a fictional character who could use some? Just send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org and I’ll respond in my next column.