This is normally the time where I make the big announcement about my upcoming book of monologues! (previously teased here: https://wordpress.com/post/60300573/361/) But, you know…work. So until then, I have a couple of monologues to show that I’m still writing and still invested in this. Enjoy!
Joe: Relationships? I haven’t been very lucky with those. I never understood why. I mean, I’m really good at getting close to guys. I’d give them advice, have a shoulder for them to cry on, and even buy things for them it would help. Once I actually bought a guy minutes for his phone!. Even that didn’t warrant anything me anything more than a hug. After the like, 8th time this happened, I went to my best friend and just asked him, “What’s wrong with me?” And he says, “Your heart is a revolving door. You let people come in and out and do whatever they want because revolving doors will always stay open.” I did point out that you can lock a revolving door, but I got the point. People come to me, seeing an oasis in the desert. A short reprieve from a hard journey. So I’ll always have visitors. Lots and lots of visitors to my little oasis. But I don’t think I’ll ever be the destination.
Jess: Babe, Darling, Honey Bunches of Oats. We’ve been dating for 2 years now and it’s been amazing. You always show up with flowers on the days that I’m feeling down. You never harass me during my punctuation time once every month. You don’t even show cheat on me when we DVR Game of Thrones! In essence, you’re perfect. But…lately I feel like things…in the bedroom…have stalled. And it’s not to say you’re bad or anything. You’re good. It’s just the same type of good. It’s like eating shrimp every day…(stops, then quickly) jumbo shrimp! Delicious, but you kind of want to shake it up by swapping it out for coconut shrimp every once in a while. (stops, then quickly) Or something that you’re not allergic to. (Steps forward) Sweet tart, let me just come out and say it. I want to swing. And not on the playground or that thing from that adult catalogue we could hang from the ceiling. I mean, you’re with someone that’s not me at the same time that I’m with someone that’s not you. (stops, then quickly) There’s more to it, but that’s the basic premise. (Pause) I can tell by your silence that you’re thinking, but don’t keep me in suspense! Oh, my redneck Romeo, what do you think?