(May be a repost, but If this gets enough response, this trailer will be made. Enjoy!)
A muscled, young, mustachioed man named Tejada opens a motel room door and turns on a light. He places his suitcase on the bed and unzips it.
Movie Announcer: He’s a brutal hitman for the Mexican drug cartels.
Tejada: (Takes clothes out of suitcase and places them on bed)
Ivy: (a young, beautiful, Asian woman enters the room) Hello.
Movie Announcer: She’s a brutal assassin for the Chinese triads.
Ivy: Did the motel tell you we’re sharing a room?
Tejada: Si, they told me there was a double booking error.
Movie Announcer: And they have been assigned to kill each other.
Ivy: I’m thinking of getting takeout later. What are you in the mood for?
Tejada: (Gripping concealed machete) Chinese.
Ivy: (Gripping concealed katanas) Really? Because I am in the mood for Mexican! (Attacks and they have an epic sword battle)
Movie Announcer: But they didn’t account for one thing…
(In the middle of their epic fight, where Tejada’s shirt has disappeared and Ivy’s shirt has exposed her midriff they hear something strange and both go to the motel window.)
Tejada: (Sees mariachi band) All my cousins are in that band.
Ivy: (Sees Chinese dragon) My cousins are under that dragon.
(The dragon members and the mariachi band members shake hands)
Tejada &Ivy: Together?
(Everyone outside takes out guns and shoots the motel room, Ivy and Tejada duck, then somebody throws a grenade into the room, EXPLOSION)
Movie Announcer: …That they would be betrayed by their countries.
Tejada: (standing atop of rubble) It was a set up!
Ivy: (covered in mud, somehow) We were tricked!
Movie Announcer: Now they must work together…
Ivy: We must now work together.
Tejada: Sii. (shakes hands with Ivy)
Movie Announcer: And get revenge in the greatest country on Earth: AMERICA!
Ivy: Land of the free.
Tejada: Home of the (loading gun) MUERTE. And the brave. (they both hold up black power fists)
Movie Announcer: They’ll go undercover…
Tejada: (wheeling taco cart into house) Mr. Smith, I have your tacos!
Smith: I didn’t order any tacos.
Ivy: (Jumping out of taco cart) Maybe you ordered some lo mein! (throws noodles into Smiths’ face)
Movie Announcer: They’ll face an enemy team…
Pablo: (pointing gun at Ivy) I’m Pablo Enrique Montoya Rodriguez Sanchez Gonzales Emanuel Rosario Juan Martinez the third.
Po: (pointing gun at Tejada) And I’m Po. Prepare to die!
Movie Announcer: And find love…
Ivy: (in a bathrobe) Mr. Tejada, can I play with your machete?
Tejada: Only if you let me touch your katanas. (Leans in for a kiss)
Movie Announcer: In their quest to save the President of the United States.
Ivy: They are going to kill the president!
Tejada: No me gusta.
Movie Announcer: Next November, prepare to see Ivy Cheung as Ivy!
(Shot of Ivy dressed as a ninja killing a man with chopsticks)
Movie Announcer: Tejada as Tejada!
(Shot of Tejada with a fake mustache and sombrero, killing a man with moraccas.)
Movie Announcer: Morgan Freeman!
(Shot of Morgan Freeman nodding slowly)
Movie Announcer: Michelle Rodriguez!
(Appears on screen, instantly gets shot)
Movie Announcer: And Arnold Schwarzenegger as the President!
President Arnold: I’ll be back…for a second term! (Explosion in the background)
Movie Announcer: IN…TAKEOUT: THE MOVIE!* NOVEMBER 2015. This film is rated R for “raw action”. Parental guidance suggested. Even for the parents. This movie is intense.
*Based on a true story.