Have a Lovely Weekend

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Happy Friday! So, I hear that some humans on weekends have dates or significant others that they spend some special time with. I invite those people to take a moment for some romantically themed poems. And even if you’re not…well, might as well read them anyway, right? Enjoy 🙂

Those Eyes

Alone

Eyes

Are Pools of Colored Water

Slowly Shifting

Lives and Landscapes

Across their mirrored surfaces…

When I see yours

I remember

That eyes can be oceans

Brimming with beauty and wonder

Across their vast expanses

The sun reflected

Makes those oceans shine

Golden

And All I Want to Do

Is Swim.

Hipsters In Love

Our Romance

Is Like So Retro

It’s like this old sweater

From the Thrift Shop

I never knew I wanted

Until it was right there.

I want to make you a mixtape

On my macbook pro

At Starbucks

(Ironically, of course)

I’d love to make us mainstream

But it’s still pretty cool

To have something

That nobody’s heard of yet.

For the Singles

(Note: I was stumbling around in my phone and I found this as a note. It was written around Valentine’s Day but I never got around to publishing it. I figure, better late than never, right?)

I’ve been in love since I was five years old. To this day, I can remember my first love: Amanda. It was Pre-Kindergarten…Ms Severino’s class. I told her I loved her and was promptly rejected. Mainly, because, at the time, boys and girls were still infected with cooties.


I also may have come on too strong.


Anyway, you may wonder why I am telling this tale today. It’s because
I realized after valentine’s day one clear fact: I’m not in love with anyone. For the first time in 18 years, I pine over no one! (Except Emma stone/Scarlett Johansen/Zoe Saldana)But I wouldn’t write a post just for that reason either. I wanted to reach out to all the singles out there and say:

It’s all good.


I say this because there is a slight bias against our generations singles. They call us the hook up culture. The ones who can’t commit. Polyphemus! (Polyamarous) but that leaves out the people who are:
Cool with themselves alone
Trying to figure things out
Are asexual (yes, that is a real thing)
Still trying to get over their last thing
Etc.


Yes. There’s songs like single ladies and articles praising the singles. But we don’t need that praise. Yes, ridin solo is a great song, but we don’t need to celebrate single status, just accept it. No shame, no pain. Just pure hardcore acceptance.
Because I grew up in a country that taught me that love was around the corner, or one accident on the street away from happening, I never considered the hard work that goes into every step of the process. If you want a relationship, you gotta put in the effort. And that won’t happen overnight.


So to all my singles out there: don’t be bitter. Don’t be proud if you don’t feel like it either. Be single. Be you. And if someone comes by that would like to add to that, perfect. But don’t ever feel bad for not having an answer to your equation.


I’ve been in love since age 5. I don’t mind taking a 5 minute break

John’s Requested Response to: “13 Things a Woman Can do To Be More Attractive to Men”

The first thing that bothered me about this article was the title. “Woman” and “Men” are not even in the same tense! I can tell already this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s get rid of the title.

Capture

That’s better. The author of this article http://thoughtcatalog.com/john-smith/2014/06/13-things-a-woman-can-do-to-be-more-attractive-to-men/ , John Smith,  writes this article not as an insult, but as a guide! He only wishes to help women conform to his exact standards to become more attractive, that’s all. But since I differ in opinion…a lot…I’m going to take a closer look at these “tips”. (And if you read the long article, but don’t feel like another one, or want to just skip to commenting that he’s right, there is a TL:DR version of all my points at the bottom of this page)

1. Be In Shape

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “Regarding your diet…you do not need to starve yourself; you do not need those greasy chips either.”

This stunned me when I first read it. How dare Smith suggest that? Everyone deserves greasy chips, they are a basic human right. Other than that, the glaring issue with this tip is: What the hell does be in shape mean? Everybody and every body is different. “In shape” for one person looks radically different for another: compare the in shape bodies for a swimmer and a wrestler. He goes on to say that the body size should fall in between “a bag of bones” and “smuggling beach balls”.

It’s true that there is a standard of beauty that is plastered around America. But the fact is there are still men that shockingly don’t conform to those narrow standards alone and love women of all shapes and sizes, destroying the dumbest metaphor I’ve seen since…I actually haven’t seen a dumber metaphor.

2. Lay Off the Body Modification

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “Men gravitate to natural hair color, tasteful and coverable tattoos (if any at all), and piercings that are not out of control and all over the place.”

Haha, are you kidding me? If a girl had an avatar the last airbender tattoo on her face, the minimum I have to do is offer to buy her a drink. This is another point that makes a sweeping, general observation. Even if Smith’s talking about the extremes, wherein a person (note to author of this article: when making generalizations, stick to everyone, not just one gender) has a “lot of piercings” who’s to say that a guy wouldn’t find that attractive? Last time i checked, the existence of the website: http://www.worldtattooevents.com/, The INTERNATIONAL tattoo conventions calendar, suggests that there are quite a few people who are fan of more than just “tasteful and coverable” tattoos.

3. Make Your Own Money

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “If you make more than him, more power to you, just refrain from throwing it in his face like some form of one-upmanship.”

This is a unique entry, because I generally agree that making your own money is a good tip.

But what hell is this doing in a relationship article??!! I know from personal experience that you should exchange phone numbers before you swap credit scores (I didn’t make it to the first date). Point is: making money should not directly relate to attractiveness. There are plenty of attractive people in between jobs or on hard times. And on the other extreme regarding a woman making more money: Dude, you’re starting to sound a little insecure.

4. Be Feminine

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “Men want to date WOMEN, not men with vaginas.”

I started writing this article at 9 am, however, my brain ceased all rational function after seeing this and I had to continue at noon. I can’t debate the sheer stupidity of this statement. It’s just too dumb. He didn’t define feminine (a reoccuring problem in this article) so I assume he means wearing dresses, spraying perfume and watching the Lifetime channel. In that case, women don’t need to be “feminine”. At all. Period. And I’ll offer this: If you are a woman, and a guy says that you would be more attractive if you were more feminine, walk out of the room, find a decent man and return to the original asshole you left.

Then punch him in the face.

5. Be Submissive

NOPE. NOPE. NOT EVEN GOING HERE. The amount of terrible word diahrrea from this entry is so high that I refuse to wade into it and address it. Let me put it this way. If you can read the original entry and not immediately want the author kicked in the balls for the ensuing paragraph, then you are currently still plugged into the Matrix.

6. Sex Life

Author’s D-Bag Quote:  “We get it, you want to be able to sleep with the college football team and not be judged for it the same way he ran through the cheerleading squad.”

*Sigh*. This tip is depressing because it makes me realize that I’m not even halfway through. Okay…let’s, for the sake of argument, say that the “guy” here somehow managed to get through a whole cheerleading squad without one of them having a boyfriend or common sense, and that the “girl” here wants to sleep with the college football team’s kicker. The guy here should be thrilled! Obviously, if they both have the sexual mojo to sleep with entire athletic organizations, they should be able to easily score with each other in the bedroom. (See what I did there?) The author does concede that “the average Joe” won’t see that many women anyway. In that case, the average Joe should be thrilled! If a woman has chosen you out of the entire football team, congrats! But feel free to judge the woman anyway.

This entry also said that “men want women that have a few past sexual partners.” Right, because there’s no religious belief that would disagree with that. Also, the author says the woman “should have a lot of sex.” What does a lot translate to? 15 times within 15 minutes? Once a week? Every time Maury comes on? DEFINE YOURSELF FOR ONCE, JOHN SMITH!

7. Be Intelligent

Ironic, given how this article’s been going so far.

8. Be Childfree

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “Men don’t want instant families…this goes double if you have multiple children and/or if your children are biracial.”

In pg-13 movies, you are only allowed to use a certain “f” profanity once in the entire film. I like to think my blog is PG-13. This is where I make the exception. So John Smith…fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou.

It’s bad enough that he has the assholery to insist that a woman never have kids with another man. But why the hell is race or the amount of children relevant? Yes, I understand that some men (and women) don’t want kids, but here’s the thing: THIS ARTICLE IS GIVING ADVICE ABOUT BEING ATTRACTIVE. How does having kids make you less attractive? Would John Smith not want to date Beyonce because she’s had Blue Ivy? (Trick question: Jay-Z would kill him.) I’m honestly interested in hearing what John Smith recommends for women who already have kids. I”m guessing its, “If you have kids, give them to an aunt or send them to boarding school. This way, the man can pretend the woman has had no prior existence before he stepped into her life.” I would address the child support comments he made here, but I’m going to bet there’s a reason Smith knows so much about child support law, and I’m truly afraid to find out.

9. Be Willing to Cook at Least Three Times a Week

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “I wish I knew where things had taken a turn for the worst in women’s progress, but apparently the domestic ability of being able to feed yourself without ordering takeout or putting some TV dinner…has fallen by the wayside.”

The year was 1950. Little Sally is born to Jane and Jim on April 2nd at 8:00 a.m. At 9:00a.m., that adorable little Sally was off cooking her dad a four-course meal with the kitchen utensils extracted from her mother’s womb. Fast forward to 2014, where Sally can only shake her head in disgust as her 22 year old granddaughter is too busy solving calculus equations on her ipad to boil an egg. Sally shakes her fist at the sky, “When did everything go so wrong?” The 22-year-old granddaughter couldn’t hear her old grandmother as she was too busy finishing engine modiications for the Harley she custom built to get to her job on the construction site. Before riding off, her husband texts her to pick up a few things from the store, as he is Gordon Ramsey, and prefers to cook an astonishing four times a week because he likes it.

10. Put Down the Phone

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “It is amazing how many things top being “awkward” when you learn to not use one of your various electronic screens as an emotional buffer.”

Oh hey, kinda of like this article must have been a buffer for you, John Smith! I actually don’t disagree with this tip at all. I just hated its presentation, its examples, and the blissful ignorance that men do the exact same damn thing.

11. Ease Up on the Makeup

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “It is bad enough that the makeup industry is a multi-billion dollar industry that essentially tells women that they are ugly.”

Oh sorry, I messed up here. I’m not used to the author saying something decent. This would be more appropriate for him:

“What is even worse is that half of you come out of the house looking like Bozo the Clown.”-John Smith

This is another tip that isn’t completely horrendous, but still bad advice. I personally know friends who have the most amazing eye makeup I’ve ever seen. I’m talking hunger games eye makeup good. If I tried their makeup on, I’d probably look something like Prince. Just as the definition of “in shape” varies by body type, makeup varies for skin tones and bone structure. There’s no universal “too much” for makeup in this case; but once again, with no definition here other than “don’t look like bozo the clown”, I have no idea what you’re looking for here.

12. Stop Cussing

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “Coming from someone who is a United States Sailor…If you think you are such a fucking lady, you had damn well better act like it for once.”

This is a logical fallacy known as appeal to authority. Basically, this is when you claim accuracy on a topic based on the fact that you hold a certain title. I have nothing but respect for our military forces. But I don’t generally think of our armed forces as the judges of whether a lady can say, “Shit.” The other logical fallacy is correlation vs causation. Meaning that here, Smith believes that a woman’s “lady-ness” is related to the amount they curse. Which also…no, doesn’t really work that way.

I will concede here that if cursing makes you uncomfortable, then, by all means, find a partner that curses a bit less. But if you think a woman cursing subtracts from attractiveness, I suggest you watch Marisa Tomei in My Cousin Vinny.

13. Stop Hoarding Guy Friends

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “9 out of 10 of your guy friends just want to sleep with you anyway…The first guy that comes to comfort you after a big fight will also be the first one to say, “He’s not good enough for you”…and then…try to get into your pants…”

Whoa, whoa, whoa, John, don’t give away the secret! Cause, you know, this always totally works. I remember the last friend I comforted after her big fight had her shirt off before I had even mentioned that maybe her problems stemmed from her boyfriend getting his relationship advice from thoughtcatalog. This tip somewhat relates to a previous blog post I’ve written about the “Nice Guy”, so if you want to get into that whole debate, check that one out. I’ll just say that if the women you are interested in is friends with the entire football team, then you might want to get to know these guys. Not only is it cool that have that kind of muscle support, but getting to know them and their approval will help build trust between you and the woman in question. Having guy friends actually works in your favor here, as opposed to the alternative (all her friends being vicious man-eating lions.)

In order to prevent people like me from striking back at his articles’ central ideas, Smith prepared counterpoints. I shall now counter them.

A. “You don’t speak for every man out there.”

Author’s D-Bag Quote: Obviously not every man wants every single trait on here, but the less that you deviate from the standard, the more “marketable” you are.

Right, like a job interview. I’ve addressed this in earlier points, but I ask you: If you had no intention of speaking for every man out there, why did i keep seeing “men want this and men want that” instead of  “John Smith” or  “I want this”?

B. “That goes both ways.”

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “Nice observation. You are fully at liberty to have the same standard(s) for the men you date. You should write an article about it.”

Nice point, I did. But if the standards are the same, wouldn’t it just be more time effective to apply your article to men?

C. “Don’t tell me what to do or how to be.”

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “I am just giving you some insight into the minds of men once the filter has been taken off.”

Strangely enough, when I got my filter taken out to be replaced mid-afternoon today, I still continued writing this article the same way.

D. “My boyfriend loves me just the way I am. I don’t have XYZ and I have lot of men chasing after me.”

Author’s D-Bag Quote “Good for you. Everybody settles in some aspect. He has simply learned to accept your faults.”

I pray that one day, someone can accept yours too, John Smith.

E. “Insert random hostile comment that attacks me directly.”

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “Ad Hominem. Debate the ideas presented. You will be more productive that way.”

Wow! I actually had time to debate the ideas presented AND attack you directly. That’s like…ad awesome! Oh and remember those logical arguments I brought up in 12?

F. “I would do this, but…”

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “You can rationalize it all you want. It doesn’t detract from what men want. You can’t argue someone into finding you attractive.”

That’s true, I did try to argue that I was attractive to my cab driver once, but he was too busy swerving in and out of traffic to care.

TLDR Version/Conclusion

I won’t speak for all men, but I will address every woman: Don’t change a damn thing. Not just what “Flaws” were defined by this list. If you’re truly going to meet someone special, someone to spend your whole life with, he/she better find you attractive for a hell lot more than the number of meals you have time to cook in a week. If you notice you have a bad or destructive habit for your health (Like watching Paranormal Activity each year) and you feel like you need to change, then do it. Don’t let thoughtcatalog, elite daily or buzzfeed’s quizzes define what’s attractive. You be the best version of you there is and I guarantee you’ll notice that you became more attractive. And men, if you’re looking to be more attractive, this advice can easily apply to you as well. So, go out there. Smile wide. Keep an eye out.

And for the love of god, don’t listen to John Smith.

 

 

Breaking Ground

Hey world, my name is Andrew Tejada and I’m a writer.

Phew, we’ve got that out of the way.

I’ve been writing since I was six (poems, short stories, plays) so I’ve got tons of stuff to post, but I’d also like to try reviews, opinion pieces and maybe even a cookbook. 

To start off this blog, and in the spirit of throwback thursday, I’ll post a prose piece that I did for an old school project. Enjoy! 

Image

Alien

Philo stared out the window of his dorm room in stunned disbelief; “It’s not a Frisbee; it’s a spaceship.” he finally stammered.  “I told you.” Holly said, trembling. The spaceship was bright yellow with two crimson streaks going around the disc. It hovered without any discernible engine or rockets; the UFO simply floated in front of the window. “Wha…What should we do?” Philo choked out. “Hmm…let me just draw from all my experience with UFO’s and I’ll get back to you.” Holly said. Philo rolled his eyes and said, “You know, your sarcasm is the reason we broke up.” “I can’t…whoa!” screamed Holly. “What?” Philo said, whipping his head towards the window.

He looked on in horror as he realized that the campus dragon statue that once stood outside the window was now a heap of smoking rubble. Philo turned back to Holly…and saw that she had her arms crossed and a frown on her face. “See, you never pay attention to the important things. THAT’S why we broke up!” Holly said, confident. Philo stared in stunned belief at Holly’s statement and replied, “You’re kidding, right? You were never faithful! I bet if an alien came out right now, you’d make out with it!” Livid, Holly pushed Philo and said, “I bet I’d have a better connection with an alien species than I ever had with you! Plus, the alien might even be a better kisser!” Philo had no words.

            After a moment of silence, he turned and headed towards the door. As Philo gripped the doorknob, Holly sighed and said, “Where are you going?” Philo stopped and said, “I think I’d rather take my chances with the aliens then stay here with you.” As three campus police officers were slaughtered by the UFO’s lasers, Holly shook her head and said, “No. If anyone’s going to leave, it should be me. This is your room, after all.” Philo turned and, ignoring the fire that had started in the quad, said, “If that’s what you want.” “I do.” Holly said quietly as she made her way to the door.

Philo turned away from Holly and to the window. On the windowsill he noticed an old teddy bear. Philo could still remember when he spent 40 dollars in 20 minutes−just to win that teddy bear for Holly. Turning away from the pile of smoking bodies that was beginning to build up outside, Philo said, “Holly, wait.” Holly, who had already opened the door, stopped and turned towards Philo. She had noticed the teddy bear too. With a blank face and a voice devoid of emotion she said, “Yes?”

In an instant, the UFO let out a high pitched wail that forced Philo and Holly to cover their ears. It the next instant, it shone with a brilliant golden light that stole their sight. Unable to see or hear, Philo and Holly extended their arms and reached for each other. They were not close enough to touch.