America’s Play 3/9-3/16

Featured

Welcome to the America plays! A weekly play about the top story or stories in America last week. This week it’s all about trump!  Without further ado:

What  About Trump?

Characters

AMIR, 20’s, Black/Hispanic Male

RICO, 20’s, Caucasian Male

 

(Lights Up)

(AMIR is sitting on the couch in the living room, eating cereal in front of his laptop. He wears a “Make America Great Again” t-shirt. RICO enters, wearing a #FEELTHEBERN t-shirt)

 

RICO

Hey, Amir!

AMIR

Hey, Rico, did you get my text about Nancy Reagan?

RICO

I think so.

(Walks to his room offstage.)

 

AMIR

And?

 

RICO

(From offstage)

I got it.

 

AMIR

I meant…how’d you feel about it?

 

RICO

(From offstage)

Oh, it was, uh, a shame. She was a credit to our nation.

(Enters the living room)

Now, can we talk about tonight?

 

AMIR

I actually wanted to talk about Turkey…

 

RICO

Later, we have to hurry up if we’re going to make the rally in…

(Notices Amir’s shirt)

What are you wearing?

 

AMIR

(Looks down, smiles)

Oh, it’s a new Trump t-shirt. It just came in the mail today!

 

RICO

Why are you wearing it?

 

AMIR

Because I support Donald Trump. Duh.

RICO

Why would you support him???

 

AMIR

Lots of reasons. He’s charismatic, popular and has a strong message. Kind of like Obama back in ‘08.

 

RICO

This is a joke, right?

(Rico laughs as Amir stares at him)

You’re messing with me!

(Rico laughs harder as Amir stares)

There’s no way in hell you would even consider voting for that guy.

 

AMIR

(Puts down cereal. Calm.)

Rico. I don’t see why you are having so much trouble taking my choice seriously.

 

RICO

Because you can’t be a Trump supporter!

 

AMIR

Why not?

 

RICO
(Motions his arm up and down Amir’s body)

 

AMIR

Because of my height?

 

RICO

You are black and hispanic! Trump is racist!

 

AMIR

How so?

 

RICO

Remember that stuff he said about Mexicans being violent?

 

AMIR

When did he say that?

 

RICO

Like six months ago!

 

AMIR

That’s so long ago, man. I remember Beyonce’s choreography at the superbowl more clearly. And besides, I’m not Mexican.

 

RICO

He wanted to deport Muslims!

 

AMIR

I’m not Muslim, I’m Catholic.

 

RICO

He insulted a woman over her looks!

 

AMIR

That’s just sexist.

RICO

(Frustrated)

You can make all the excuses for Trump that you’d like, but you can’t deny his supporters are a problem. The other day a guy was elbowed—in the face—at a Trump rally.

 

AMIR

I saw that. Old guy has a mean arm.

 

RICO

See?

 

AMIR

What?

 

RICO

His fans are out of control.

 

AMIR

And that means I shouldn’t vote for Trump.

 

RICO

Yes!

 

AMIR

Rico…let me put it like this. Imagine if you go to a concert for your favorite band.

 

RICO

Twenty-one pilots!

 

AMIR

Sure. Anyway, let’s say a fan at the concert stabs you in the stomach today.

 

RICO

Jesus!

 

AMIR

If that happened, what would you say?

 

RICO

That the guy was crazy!

 

AMIR

It could be a girl. Don’t be sexist!

 

RICO

What’s your point?

 

AMIR

When you get stabbed…

 

RICO

If!

 

AMIR

After the stabbing, would you stop listening to the band?

 

RICO

No.

 

AMIR

Exactly. So if a stabbing  by one person at a concert won’t stop you from listening to music, why should one angry fan end my support for Trump?

 

RICO

(stops, considers this point. Then shakes his head)

I’m not going to the rally with you while you’re wearing that shirt.

 

AMIR

Fine. If it makes you that uncomfortable, I’ll change.

(Amir removes his t-shirt and reveals a blacklivesmatter t-shirt)

 

RICO

What the hell?

AMIR

Huh?

 

RICO

You’re wearing a blacklivesmatter t-shirt!

 

AMIR

Yes. Cause I think blacklivesmatter, especially mine.

 

RICO

How can you be a Trump fan and support blacklivesmatter? They’re enemies.

 

AMIR

But they’re so similar.

 

RICO

In what universe is the trump campaign similar to the blacklivesmatter movement?!

 

AMIR

You just proved it!

RICO

HOW?!

 

AMIR

Anger. Blacklivesmatter supporters are angry. Trump supporters are angry. Aren’t you angry?

 

RICO

A little.

 

AMIR

We have two strong political movements that desire strong outcomes, massive change and have millions of passionate supporters. They both come at a critical time in our history. And their t-shirts are cool as hell! The goals are different in some places, I admit, but both groups are standing on the edge of a deep valley of values and reason. If they’re both so close to the edge, why do they have to stand on opposite sides?

(Beat.)

 

RICO

I need to lie down.

 

AMIR

What about the rally?

 

RICO

I’m not going with you!

 

AMIR

Cause of my shirt? I can just change to my Kanye West shirt if you’d like.

 

RICO

This isn’t just about a shirt. You can’t just wear Trump and take it off the moment you get tired of it.

 

AMIR

If I get tired of him.

 

RICO

Listen, Amir. I’m genuinely scared.

 

AMIR

Me too. But Trump is going to make America great again.

 

RICO

When’s the last time we were even great?

 

AMIR

I used to think that we were always great, but now I’m thinking it happened when Bush was in office…

 

RICO

I’m terrified for you, Amir. What if some people think Trump winning is a sign? To indulge in their worst viewpoints? To say whatever you want, no matter how negative it is? To stab me?

 

AMIR

Trump will take care of it. He has to.

 

RICO

He’ll just deny his involvement like he always does.

 

AMIR

It won’t matter. He’ll be blamed anyway. It’s always the President’s fault when something bad happens. Thanks to Obama.

 

RICO

Wait. Wait. Are you saying we’d blame Trump for everything that goes wrong?

 

AMIR

I also said, Thanks Obama.

 

RICO

(processing)

If Trump screws up, we’ll hate him. He’d be destroyed day by day….

 

AMIR

If he fails.

 

RICO

He will! Trump has no specifics, broad policies, simple rhetoric…he might be the worst President we’ve ever had! And then…oh my god…people will see that anger gets them nowhere. They’ll see the error of their ways! They’ll finally feel ready to feel the bern!

(grabs amir’s trump tshirt)

Can I borrow this?

(Amir nods)

I’m going to make sure Trump gets elected. Is there a Trump rally nearby tonight? I’ll text Constance and find out…

(Sends text)

 

AMIR

Rico?

 

RICO

Yeah?

 

AMIR

I was just messing with you.

 

RICO

What?

 

AMIR

This whole Trump thing was joke.

 

RICO

A joke that went on for that long?

 

AMIR

Yes.

 

RICO

You were very convincing.

 

AMIR

I took those improv classes.

 

RICO

Are you sure?

 

AMIR

Come on. I compared the blacklivesmatter movement to Trump’s campaign. That should have been a dead giveaway.

 

RICO

But why?

 

AMIR

You’ve haven’t been answering my texts about anything that doesn’t have to do with the election.I did this all to get you to pay attention.

 

RICO

What did I miss?

 

AMIR

Nancy Reagan was a blip on the radar to you. Migrants died leaving Syria. Ankara…

 

RICO

(distracted)

Oh, I get it. You come up with these crazy stories because you don’t want Trump to fail.

 

AMIR

What?

 

RICO

Well, newsflash, Amir! I’ve got to pay more attention to him now. Prop him up as high as he can go, so we can knock him down.

 

AMIR

But while you’re setting up this game, what else are you gonna miss?

 

RICO

(Getting text)

Constance has a rally spot! You coming?

 

AMIR

No, man. I’m not.

 

RICO

(goes to exit)

Suit yourself! Here I come, Drumpf!

 

AMIR

Rico!

 

RICO

(stops, turns back to Amir)

Yes.

 

AMIR

Could you…at least check in on Ankara for me?

 

RICO

Who’s Ankara?

(Rico Exits. Amir stands there and sighs. He takes off his blacklivesmatter shirt to reveal a shirt with the Turkish flag on it.)

Blackout

End of Play.

 

Need a Monologue?

“If there is something that you believe should be written, then write it. It is simple as that. So stop looking at internet quotes and begin.”-William Shakespeare

Shakespeare was completely right. In this case, the “something” I believe should be written: audition monologues. I can’t count how many times I’ve seen friends scramble to find audition pieces that fit them right. Mainly, the problem is identity, in all aspects. Examples include:

-Race.

-Age.

-Gender (Specifically Female)

-Actually funny ones.

So my idea is to put a book together called, “The Other Monologues” . The book would contain a variety of monologues for underrepresented groups, as well as monologues that would be flexible for a wide selection of actors. I would look to release it in the Spring of 2015.

The reason I write this up is twofold:

Now I have a group of people to shame me if I don’t finish it.
Your suggestions would help make the book!

That’s right! If you fill out this extremely quick six question survey here: https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/TLZT97F , I’ll use the feedback to determine what kind of monologues I should write. This is not because I don’t have ideas. I want your feedback to make a quality collection of monologues that people would actually care about. If you’ve got a minute, the survey link is right above.

Thanks for reading. I know this note is only the beginning of the journey to release “The Other Monologues”. Want to come along for the ride?

Link to the survey is above. 🙂

monolgoues

Bitter Ness, A Slightly Off Tale for Children

bitternesseverywhere

A while back, I started a project called, “Slightly off Children’s Stories”. They were meant to be simple stories with straightforward messages that  children could pick up easily could also appeal to an adult crowd.

Sometimes I would get carried away with appealing to the adults.

So, without further ado, I present:

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Bitter Ness

There was once a young man named Ness who lived for the comfort of food. His friend that was a girl, Beth, (who bares no relation to any persons living at all, especially not anybody whom the author would know) also liked the comfort of food, so they were always ate together.

One day, Beth decided that she had enough of the comfort of food and stopped going to dinner with Ness.

Sad and lonely, Ness went to a restaurant with an electric sign called Shopelessi. (Unfortunately neither the s or I in the sign were on)

When he got inside, a waiter told him, “We only serve one dish here. It’s a rough fruit.”

Ness shrugged and said, “It doesn’t matter. Give me one.”

He bit into the fruit and found that it was very bitter.

The waiter shook his head and said, “Told you.” The waiter also asked, “Where is my tip?”

Needless to say, this restaurant left Ness with a bad taste in his mouth.

Also a literal one. Everything he ate, no matter where he went, tasted bitter.

He tried and again and again and again but in the end there wasn’t a happy Ness to be found at any restaurant in town.

One day, while eating chicken at the Parakeet restaurant, Ness noticed a happy couple of guys enjoying a steak dish.

Then he got a mean idea.

Ness went over to the couple while they were in between bites and yelled, “Wow! Isn’t this terrible? This steak is tough, hard to swallow and not even close to perfect!”

The couple just laughed and smiled. One of the men said, “We’re enjoying our meat just fine.”

The other man at the table said, “Yeah, it takes some getting used to, but it’s worth it.”

Feeling defeated, Ness skulked away.

The next night, Ness travelled to a sushi restaurant.

While finding the wasabi bitter, he noticed a couple of joyous women sitting at a table. Their food hadn’t arrived yet.

Ness got another mean idea.

He went over to the table and said, “I’m sorry you decided to commit to this. I hear it takes pretty long to be satisfied over here.”

The two women laughed and smiled.

One of the women said, “Yeah, this sort of thing takes some getting used to, but it’s okay.”

The other woman said, “Even if it doesn’t work out in the end, it’s still worth trying at least once.”

Feeling defeated once more, Ness stomped off.

The next night, Ness was devising a new plan at a standard, plain looking restaurant.

This time he’d talk to a couple after they had eaten!

Ness waited for a while, but the guy and the girl sitting at the table seemed to go on eating forever.

He turned away, ready to stomp out again, until he noticed a girl glaring at this duo of diners.

Ness went over to the girl and asked, “Why are you glaring at them?”

The girl turned to him and said, “Look at them. They’re so satisfied, having their perfect little meal, pretending that food always tastes wonderful and new…ugh, they’re idiots!”

A smile crept onto Ness’ face. “They’re absolute imebiciles!” he declared.

The girl smiled as well.

“Here you go, ma’am!” the waiter said, bringing the girl some fries.

“Do you want these?” the girl asked.

Ness tilted his head and said, “You’d share your food with me? Why?”

The girl sighed and said, “Ever since I ate this one fruit, everything has tasted bitter.”

Ness and this new friend that was a girl would end up talking until the restaurant closed that night.

Just before they each went home, the girl told him that her name was Carol, (Again, no relation to anyone dead).

The next night, they made fun of another couple enjoying their food at a fast food restaurant.

It became kind of their thing.

And although neither of them noticed…

Over time…

Like three and a half weeks…

The bitterness in their mouths both went away.

As a matter of fact, if you happened to catch Ness and Carol at a restaurant and asked them how the food is…

They might just say that it’s actually pretty sweet.

Preview of Stage Play, G.O.D. Is Complex

I’ve taken a short break from posting to spend more time writing my second full length seriocomic play, G.O.D. Is Complex. Here is a little snippet of it. Enjoy!

logo3

G.O.D. Is COMPLEX Preview

Character List

DOM, early twenties

GREAT OMEGA-ALPHA DIVINE, Twenty-two billion years old

Various characters of different ages and genders, such as bystanders

Setting

Modern day, American City #8
Scene 2
We transition to a street where Dom enters slowly with his head down.
Bystander 1: (Carrying laptop) I haven’t seen looting this bad since the last time we had a blackout.
Bystander 2: (Carrying a stack of clothes) I know! People up here actin’ up like it’s the end of the world.
Bystander 3: (runs onstage) Foreshadowing! (Pause) Has anyone seen my dog, foreshadowing?
Bystander 1: (Looks around) Sorry, I’m not seeing foreshadowing anywhere.
Bystander 2: Don’t worry baby, I’m sure foreshadowing will show up later.
Bystander 3: You’re sure?
Bystander 2: Positive.
Bystander 3: (Nods and jogs off)
Dom: (Sighs and slumps down against the wall)
GREAT OMEGA DIVINE enters. As stated before, the character can be portrayed by an actor of any gender, race or height. Great notices Dom
Great: Groovy!
Dom: (Looks around) What? Oh, do you mean me?
Great: Yeah!
Dom: What’s so “groovy” about me?
Great: Well, everyone here is moving around, all spazzy, but you’re here all chill and stuff. Like a solid rock in an ocean of chaos or something.
Bystander 3: (Runs on) Foreshadowing! (Exits)
Dom: Well, I’m only sitting here because…I messed up.
Great: Wanna talk about it, man?
Dom: (Looking at audience, annoyed) Sure. (Back to Great) I was supposed to…ahem, appropriate a fossil from an…orphanage for my girlfriend, but I didn’t get there in time before someone else…lifted it. Guess I was really 25 million years late.
Great: About 66 million if we’re talking the cretaceous period.
Dom: Okay, archeology major. Point is, without that fossil, my relationship will fail, and then it will affect my job, and then I’ll lose that too.
Great: What do you do for a living?
Dom: I…(continues to talk, but mouths the words, not actually saying things aloud)
Extra 2: (carrying tv) And that’s how you establish a running joke.
Extra 1: Repetition? That’s pretty easy. (Exits)
Great: Your job sounds kind of difficult.
Dom: Right?
Great: I think my job is just as hard, though.
Dom: What do you do?
Great: Create universes. (Beat)
Dom: How do you do that exactly?
Great: It’s pretty rough, man. You totally have to make a design in your head of how far you want planets to be away from the sun, and make up moons and don’t even get me started on views of the constellations.
Dom: You uh, actually sound like you believe this…
Great: Oh, I’m not done yet, man. The most difficult part of creating universes is that you almost never get to see the results of your work. This is the first time I’ve found life that looks like me in one of my creations!
Dom: Wait a minute, are you trying to say…you created earth?
Great: Is that what you guys are calling it? If that’s the case, yeah, I was all about that.
Dom: (Standing) Okay, I’m gonna go now.
Great: I’m sensing a lack of faith here.
Dom: Uh, maybe because it’s crazy! No one person could create a planet.
Great: Universes, man. And I’m not a person, I’m a celestial being. My name is Great Omega hyphen Alpha Divine.
Dom: So your initials spell GOAD?
Great: Well, yeah, if you add in the hyphen. The other beings just call me…(dramatic pause) …Great for short.
Dom: So (air quotes) “Great”, if you made the earth and all, perhaps you can tell me what was the foundation for the continuation and evolution of life if you weren’t around?
Great: You know…I can’t quite remember. Was this the planet where I left one being in charge? Was it a whole bunch of em? Or maybe it was cells…sorry, I can’t remember. It changes every time.
Dom: Uh-huh. I’m sure it does. Again, really nice talking to you. I’m going to be on my way to…find some other fossil, I guess. (Starts to walk away)
Great: Wait a second! (Running to Dom)
Dom: Please don’t touch me.
Great: I will not touch you unless you want me to and then I will.
Dom: No thank you.
Great: (Blocks dom by stretching arms out wide) Can you listen? I have a feeling you’re not very good at it.
Dom: (Aside) Like I need two girlfriends. (Turns back to Great) What is it you want, money?
Great: What’s that?
Dom: The root all evil, benjamins, the evil oil that fuels our reality shows? Never heard of it?
Great: No! I haven’t heard anything about this earth. That’s why I need someone like you to show me around and explain what’s going on.
Dom: And what would be in it for me? (Quick) Besides touching me.
Great: I could…get you that fossil you were looking for.
Dom: (Sighs) How would you even do that?
Great: With this! (Great reaches into his/her pocket and pulls out a TI-89 Graphing Calcuator TM)
Dom: A calculator?
Great: (Laughs) What a strange name for the miracle machine.
Dom: Miracle machine?
Great: Are you going to keep asking questions or are you just going to listen?
Dom: Questions?
Great: With this miracle machine, I can work with the laws of probability, measured space and possibility to make Great things happen! If I put in a random equation like so…(types into calculator), then a random miracle will occur.
Dom: Through math?
Great: Basically.
Dom: Math. Okay, that’s my cue to go. (Goes to leave)
Great: Oops, I didn’t hit enter. (presses button)
Extra 3: FORESHADOWING! (Enters, holding small dog, or stuffed dog animal, whichever is easier to acquire for said production) It was about time you caught up to me. Now, let’s go get you neutered. (Exits)
Great extends arms and smiles. Dom is unconvinced.
Dom: So he found his foreshadowing. That’s easy if you wait long enough. Hardly a miracle.
Great: Well, how about a more complex equation? (Types into calculator) And…enter!

End Preview

#CoffinSelfie-A Simple How-To Guide

(Disclaimer: The above hashtag is meant to be hypothetical. This is not referring to the SCANDAL picture that was trending on twitter. From what I hear, it’s a fantastic show. Moving on.)

I have a quick google search for you to perform. Type in funeral selfies. Oh, you don’t want to sift through 10,000,000+ results? Here’s a few highlights:

There's no real place to start when talking about what's bad about this.

There’s no real place to start when talking about what’s bad about this.

I'm not so sure he was unaware of this...

I’m not so sure he was unaware of this…

Even though it was a memorial service, it's still inappropriate. Thanks, Obama!

Even though it was a memorial service, it’s still inappropriate. Thanks, Obama!

Point is, #funeralselfie is gonna be played out soon. If you’re going to stand out from all of those other guys, you’ll need something unique. #CoffinSelfie hasn’t been populated yet, but you could be one of the pioneers.

“But how would I manage that? Who will pay my cellphone bill after I go?” You ask. Well, hypothetical reader, the bill is paid until the end of the month. So you have enough time. But the better question to ask is how do you condition yourself so that you’re able to take a selfie at your own wake? And even better, how do you guarantee that lots of people will see it? Well, allow me to guide you.

Here are the four phases that lead to you kicking off the #CoffinSelfie.

Accessibility

The first key to this is lots of lots of practice. If you were born in the early 90’s, then you’ve only had a few years of your life to sharpen that selfie game ‘til it’s perfect. This is where the younger generation will have an edge on you. Most of them will get their hands on a cell phone before you can stop calling them “tweens”. They’ll have plenty of years on you! (Ironically)

But technology is also to blame. Innovations like the front facing camera have made the art of selfie easier than ever. Now you they don’t even have to shoot and hope like the cameraphone days, there is a clear HD display reflecting their exact image. Not to mention flash capabilities, camera filters, cropping…ugh, they know so much.
And to top it all off, they have consistent access to internet from a young age. Do they even have to go through many steps? Nope! There are instant share options for every app that are built right into the camera software. All in all, kids will have you beat on accessibility. But don’t feel too bad. You’re still older.

Approval
Now that you’re well versed in hashtag language, you’re going to need to get a following going. The easiest way to do this is to jump on the bandwagon of the latest trend. It’s easy. Check out what’s trending on twitter and copy that. And don’t say something silly like, “Why can’t I just invent something new?” Ridiculous! You think planking started by being original? Get real. Stick to the norm and suppress your creative impulses.

Once you’re done with your #nofilter #gallonsmashing #runningforcongress selfie trends, you will have gathered a huge following behind you. Believe or not, you’re halfway there!

Assaulting the Internet With Your Selfies

This is what separates the Gen Y’ers from the Gen Whiners! (Thank you, I’m here all week). You must continuously post selfies. Non-stop. No, you can’t take a break. Wake up? That’s a selfie. About to go to bed? That’s a selfie. Dunkin donuts mess up your order? Well, that’s just a sadface coffee selfie, isn’t it? Selfie, Selfie, Selfie, Selfie, Selfie, Selfie. You cannot stop, you must be relentless.

This is important: Don’t waste any time instagramming food. The people who are consistently on their phones looking at twitter or scrolling through facebook are a completely different breed from you.

Those people are simply using the phone as a barrier between themselves and reality. They are unsure how to interact with one other without a constant distraction present. The reasons for this are numerous, but I think it comes down to fear.

On the internet, you have plenty of time to say what you want. If you write or post something stupid, you can take it write back. (That’s why their are never spelling ererrs in my postss.) In real life, although the stakes are exactly the same for a misstep or a gaff as they would be in the internet, and that people can take what you say wildly out of context easier on the internet if you just leave it and walk away, it’s still more nervewracking to take the risk and communicate. So since we can’t use it to communicate with the person sitting across from us, we use it as a shield instead. That way, if asked a difficult question all we need to do is look down at a phone and pretend to text while we form the right response.

Whoa, but I am getting off track! Point is: you are nothing like those posers who are taking instagram posts. You’re in touch with your self(ie). So keep taking those countless selfies! Do it for years and years and years and years until…

Achievement

The average life expectancy is about 80.1. A recent study found that on average, children are 12.1 when they receive their first mobile device. So your younger contemporaries will again have the edge here: they’ll have, on average, 68 years to practice. But I believe in you! After all, you accessed the selfie game easily, gained the approval of many on your friends list, and have assaulted the internet with your presence. Your loud demand to be noticed will not go unnoticed!

Since you have spent about 50 years taking selfies constantly, your body is conditioned to do it unconsciously. You should notice that you’ll wake up with a bunch of selfies your body took reflexively. (Good for #sleeping selfies!) Of course, if you’re not sleeping because using smart phones before bed has been recorded to make it harder to fall asleep, then you should still be taking photos reflexively in the bathroom, in the car, and at that parole hearing of yours. After these 50 years, you never have to think when you’re taking a selfie again!

Now that you’ve achieved all of this, sit back (or rather lie back, amiright?) in your coffin and you’ll take the photo automatically…

Wait a minute.

They sell coffins at coffin stores right? Why don’t you just climb into one of those while you’re alive to get your selfie? It will save you a lot of time, energy and cloud storage space. Plus, you don’t have constantly show your friends what is essentially the same image every day. It would be the equivalent of showing them Pitch Perfect every day. It’s great, but after a while, it’s just gonna get weird and maybe even…annoying. Haha, impossible. Pitch Perfect could never get annoying amirite?

Reader, I hope you got through all of the guide before embarking on a 50 year quest to capture your #coffinselfie. If you already have, I admire your dedication, but some people may have beaten you to the punch. (The younger generation. Again.)

And if you’re reading this in the future, I hope that selfies don’t die out before you do. We need selfies. Without them, how would you know if you were here on earth at all?

John’s Requested Response to: “13 Things a Woman Can do To Be More Attractive to Men”

The first thing that bothered me about this article was the title. “Woman” and “Men” are not even in the same tense! I can tell already this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s get rid of the title.

Capture

That’s better. The author of this article http://thoughtcatalog.com/john-smith/2014/06/13-things-a-woman-can-do-to-be-more-attractive-to-men/ , John Smith,  writes this article not as an insult, but as a guide! He only wishes to help women conform to his exact standards to become more attractive, that’s all. But since I differ in opinion…a lot…I’m going to take a closer look at these “tips”. (And if you read the long article, but don’t feel like another one, or want to just skip to commenting that he’s right, there is a TL:DR version of all my points at the bottom of this page)

1. Be In Shape

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “Regarding your diet…you do not need to starve yourself; you do not need those greasy chips either.”

This stunned me when I first read it. How dare Smith suggest that? Everyone deserves greasy chips, they are a basic human right. Other than that, the glaring issue with this tip is: What the hell does be in shape mean? Everybody and every body is different. “In shape” for one person looks radically different for another: compare the in shape bodies for a swimmer and a wrestler. He goes on to say that the body size should fall in between “a bag of bones” and “smuggling beach balls”.

It’s true that there is a standard of beauty that is plastered around America. But the fact is there are still men that shockingly don’t conform to those narrow standards alone and love women of all shapes and sizes, destroying the dumbest metaphor I’ve seen since…I actually haven’t seen a dumber metaphor.

2. Lay Off the Body Modification

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “Men gravitate to natural hair color, tasteful and coverable tattoos (if any at all), and piercings that are not out of control and all over the place.”

Haha, are you kidding me? If a girl had an avatar the last airbender tattoo on her face, the minimum I have to do is offer to buy her a drink. This is another point that makes a sweeping, general observation. Even if Smith’s talking about the extremes, wherein a person (note to author of this article: when making generalizations, stick to everyone, not just one gender) has a “lot of piercings” who’s to say that a guy wouldn’t find that attractive? Last time i checked, the existence of the website: http://www.worldtattooevents.com/, The INTERNATIONAL tattoo conventions calendar, suggests that there are quite a few people who are fan of more than just “tasteful and coverable” tattoos.

3. Make Your Own Money

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “If you make more than him, more power to you, just refrain from throwing it in his face like some form of one-upmanship.”

This is a unique entry, because I generally agree that making your own money is a good tip.

But what hell is this doing in a relationship article??!! I know from personal experience that you should exchange phone numbers before you swap credit scores (I didn’t make it to the first date). Point is: making money should not directly relate to attractiveness. There are plenty of attractive people in between jobs or on hard times. And on the other extreme regarding a woman making more money: Dude, you’re starting to sound a little insecure.

4. Be Feminine

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “Men want to date WOMEN, not men with vaginas.”

I started writing this article at 9 am, however, my brain ceased all rational function after seeing this and I had to continue at noon. I can’t debate the sheer stupidity of this statement. It’s just too dumb. He didn’t define feminine (a reoccuring problem in this article) so I assume he means wearing dresses, spraying perfume and watching the Lifetime channel. In that case, women don’t need to be “feminine”. At all. Period. And I’ll offer this: If you are a woman, and a guy says that you would be more attractive if you were more feminine, walk out of the room, find a decent man and return to the original asshole you left.

Then punch him in the face.

5. Be Submissive

NOPE. NOPE. NOT EVEN GOING HERE. The amount of terrible word diahrrea from this entry is so high that I refuse to wade into it and address it. Let me put it this way. If you can read the original entry and not immediately want the author kicked in the balls for the ensuing paragraph, then you are currently still plugged into the Matrix.

6. Sex Life

Author’s D-Bag Quote:  “We get it, you want to be able to sleep with the college football team and not be judged for it the same way he ran through the cheerleading squad.”

*Sigh*. This tip is depressing because it makes me realize that I’m not even halfway through. Okay…let’s, for the sake of argument, say that the “guy” here somehow managed to get through a whole cheerleading squad without one of them having a boyfriend or common sense, and that the “girl” here wants to sleep with the college football team’s kicker. The guy here should be thrilled! Obviously, if they both have the sexual mojo to sleep with entire athletic organizations, they should be able to easily score with each other in the bedroom. (See what I did there?) The author does concede that “the average Joe” won’t see that many women anyway. In that case, the average Joe should be thrilled! If a woman has chosen you out of the entire football team, congrats! But feel free to judge the woman anyway.

This entry also said that “men want women that have a few past sexual partners.” Right, because there’s no religious belief that would disagree with that. Also, the author says the woman “should have a lot of sex.” What does a lot translate to? 15 times within 15 minutes? Once a week? Every time Maury comes on? DEFINE YOURSELF FOR ONCE, JOHN SMITH!

7. Be Intelligent

Ironic, given how this article’s been going so far.

8. Be Childfree

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “Men don’t want instant families…this goes double if you have multiple children and/or if your children are biracial.”

In pg-13 movies, you are only allowed to use a certain “f” profanity once in the entire film. I like to think my blog is PG-13. This is where I make the exception. So John Smith…fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou.

It’s bad enough that he has the assholery to insist that a woman never have kids with another man. But why the hell is race or the amount of children relevant? Yes, I understand that some men (and women) don’t want kids, but here’s the thing: THIS ARTICLE IS GIVING ADVICE ABOUT BEING ATTRACTIVE. How does having kids make you less attractive? Would John Smith not want to date Beyonce because she’s had Blue Ivy? (Trick question: Jay-Z would kill him.) I’m honestly interested in hearing what John Smith recommends for women who already have kids. I”m guessing its, “If you have kids, give them to an aunt or send them to boarding school. This way, the man can pretend the woman has had no prior existence before he stepped into her life.” I would address the child support comments he made here, but I’m going to bet there’s a reason Smith knows so much about child support law, and I’m truly afraid to find out.

9. Be Willing to Cook at Least Three Times a Week

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “I wish I knew where things had taken a turn for the worst in women’s progress, but apparently the domestic ability of being able to feed yourself without ordering takeout or putting some TV dinner…has fallen by the wayside.”

The year was 1950. Little Sally is born to Jane and Jim on April 2nd at 8:00 a.m. At 9:00a.m., that adorable little Sally was off cooking her dad a four-course meal with the kitchen utensils extracted from her mother’s womb. Fast forward to 2014, where Sally can only shake her head in disgust as her 22 year old granddaughter is too busy solving calculus equations on her ipad to boil an egg. Sally shakes her fist at the sky, “When did everything go so wrong?” The 22-year-old granddaughter couldn’t hear her old grandmother as she was too busy finishing engine modiications for the Harley she custom built to get to her job on the construction site. Before riding off, her husband texts her to pick up a few things from the store, as he is Gordon Ramsey, and prefers to cook an astonishing four times a week because he likes it.

10. Put Down the Phone

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “It is amazing how many things top being “awkward” when you learn to not use one of your various electronic screens as an emotional buffer.”

Oh hey, kinda of like this article must have been a buffer for you, John Smith! I actually don’t disagree with this tip at all. I just hated its presentation, its examples, and the blissful ignorance that men do the exact same damn thing.

11. Ease Up on the Makeup

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “It is bad enough that the makeup industry is a multi-billion dollar industry that essentially tells women that they are ugly.”

Oh sorry, I messed up here. I’m not used to the author saying something decent. This would be more appropriate for him:

“What is even worse is that half of you come out of the house looking like Bozo the Clown.”-John Smith

This is another tip that isn’t completely horrendous, but still bad advice. I personally know friends who have the most amazing eye makeup I’ve ever seen. I’m talking hunger games eye makeup good. If I tried their makeup on, I’d probably look something like Prince. Just as the definition of “in shape” varies by body type, makeup varies for skin tones and bone structure. There’s no universal “too much” for makeup in this case; but once again, with no definition here other than “don’t look like bozo the clown”, I have no idea what you’re looking for here.

12. Stop Cussing

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “Coming from someone who is a United States Sailor…If you think you are such a fucking lady, you had damn well better act like it for once.”

This is a logical fallacy known as appeal to authority. Basically, this is when you claim accuracy on a topic based on the fact that you hold a certain title. I have nothing but respect for our military forces. But I don’t generally think of our armed forces as the judges of whether a lady can say, “Shit.” The other logical fallacy is correlation vs causation. Meaning that here, Smith believes that a woman’s “lady-ness” is related to the amount they curse. Which also…no, doesn’t really work that way.

I will concede here that if cursing makes you uncomfortable, then, by all means, find a partner that curses a bit less. But if you think a woman cursing subtracts from attractiveness, I suggest you watch Marisa Tomei in My Cousin Vinny.

13. Stop Hoarding Guy Friends

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “9 out of 10 of your guy friends just want to sleep with you anyway…The first guy that comes to comfort you after a big fight will also be the first one to say, “He’s not good enough for you”…and then…try to get into your pants…”

Whoa, whoa, whoa, John, don’t give away the secret! Cause, you know, this always totally works. I remember the last friend I comforted after her big fight had her shirt off before I had even mentioned that maybe her problems stemmed from her boyfriend getting his relationship advice from thoughtcatalog. This tip somewhat relates to a previous blog post I’ve written about the “Nice Guy”, so if you want to get into that whole debate, check that one out. I’ll just say that if the women you are interested in is friends with the entire football team, then you might want to get to know these guys. Not only is it cool that have that kind of muscle support, but getting to know them and their approval will help build trust between you and the woman in question. Having guy friends actually works in your favor here, as opposed to the alternative (all her friends being vicious man-eating lions.)

In order to prevent people like me from striking back at his articles’ central ideas, Smith prepared counterpoints. I shall now counter them.

A. “You don’t speak for every man out there.”

Author’s D-Bag Quote: Obviously not every man wants every single trait on here, but the less that you deviate from the standard, the more “marketable” you are.

Right, like a job interview. I’ve addressed this in earlier points, but I ask you: If you had no intention of speaking for every man out there, why did i keep seeing “men want this and men want that” instead of  “John Smith” or  “I want this”?

B. “That goes both ways.”

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “Nice observation. You are fully at liberty to have the same standard(s) for the men you date. You should write an article about it.”

Nice point, I did. But if the standards are the same, wouldn’t it just be more time effective to apply your article to men?

C. “Don’t tell me what to do or how to be.”

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “I am just giving you some insight into the minds of men once the filter has been taken off.”

Strangely enough, when I got my filter taken out to be replaced mid-afternoon today, I still continued writing this article the same way.

D. “My boyfriend loves me just the way I am. I don’t have XYZ and I have lot of men chasing after me.”

Author’s D-Bag Quote “Good for you. Everybody settles in some aspect. He has simply learned to accept your faults.”

I pray that one day, someone can accept yours too, John Smith.

E. “Insert random hostile comment that attacks me directly.”

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “Ad Hominem. Debate the ideas presented. You will be more productive that way.”

Wow! I actually had time to debate the ideas presented AND attack you directly. That’s like…ad awesome! Oh and remember those logical arguments I brought up in 12?

F. “I would do this, but…”

Author’s D-Bag Quote: “You can rationalize it all you want. It doesn’t detract from what men want. You can’t argue someone into finding you attractive.”

That’s true, I did try to argue that I was attractive to my cab driver once, but he was too busy swerving in and out of traffic to care.

TLDR Version/Conclusion

I won’t speak for all men, but I will address every woman: Don’t change a damn thing. Not just what “Flaws” were defined by this list. If you’re truly going to meet someone special, someone to spend your whole life with, he/she better find you attractive for a hell lot more than the number of meals you have time to cook in a week. If you notice you have a bad or destructive habit for your health (Like watching Paranormal Activity each year) and you feel like you need to change, then do it. Don’t let thoughtcatalog, elite daily or buzzfeed’s quizzes define what’s attractive. You be the best version of you there is and I guarantee you’ll notice that you became more attractive. And men, if you’re looking to be more attractive, this advice can easily apply to you as well. So, go out there. Smile wide. Keep an eye out.

And for the love of god, don’t listen to John Smith.

 

 

An Open Letter to that Nice Guy that the Girl Just Let Go (Wow, that’s a long title)

Dear “that nice guy” referred to me by “the girl that was too late”,

I attached this dramatic yet sexy pic to draw attention to this article. The picture on your friends’ article was deep: it represented the lost love and painful memories it brings. I followed your cue and have a picture too: it represents me standing on the beach.

Image

Now that you’re here: I have a confession to make.

I’ve been a nice guy.

Yes, in the past, I’ve held doors open for strangers, done favors for people and even…donated to charity at convenience stores. So I’m completely with you on supporting the elitedaily article that’s being everywhere today! I didn’t have time to read it of course but now I do and…

Ohhhh, we’re talking about that kind of “nice guy”.  Okay. Then I immediately retract my support.

Let’s define the term “nice guy” for the purposes of this post. The definition will be, “A guy who is friends with a girl while being expectant of a serious relationship to develop. These feelings may not initially be the reason why they became friends, but circumstances have changed and he is counting on a relationship now.” <-If you’re a “nice guy” and this definition is incorrect for you, then you’re the kind of nice guy that I mentioned in the first paragraph. If the definition does fit you, then Buddy, we need to talk.
I’m going to be serious here and admit, I’ve been in the “nice guy” position before. So when I call you out here, I’m also calling out past me. He’s actually kind of an annoying guy.

Yes, it’s fantastic that you’re nice and respect women. I think it’s great that you’ve listened to all of that girls’ concerns and were a rock when it was needed. And the fact that you’re doing this out of the kindness of his heart and that satisfied you is great!
And you should be satisfied.

When hear “nice guys” like complain because they were so awesome to the girl who is the target of their affection and she doesn’t return that, I reflexively say, “So what?” Are there really that many of you who honestly believe that doing good deeds for a girl you’re attracted to is enough of a foundation for a relationship? Let me put it this way:

You have a 60 year old neighbor, Ethel. Since you were 9 years old, she’s baked you pies, driven you places and even listened to your problems. And hey, Ethel is also a fox that looks quite good for her age. One day, Ethel says, “Hey “your name”, can I collect on all that goodwill now and can I start dating you?” Nine times out of ten, you would not accept the offer on the spot. Is it because she doesn’t know you? Nonsense, Ethel’s seen you go through puberty. Is it because she’s not attractive? No, I mentioned earlier that she was a foxy lady. So what is it? Why don’t you just give into Ethel? You guys have been friends for so long! Are you saying you just want to continue the friend thing that has worked all through the 90’s up until now and not commit to her even though she was really nice???

Oh, that’s exactly what you’re saying.

Although the above situation may seem ridiculous and overexaggerated (how many Ethels do you know?), that is essentially what is the main misunderstanding every nice guy situation. Yes, you may have genuine and developed feelings for the girl in question. And maybe there were times when you were the only person she could count on. But, and I want you to really think about this:
How does she feel?

I know you. You want her to be happy and away from all every single asshole out there(Btw, this is not your responsibility). Would this girl that you care so much about be happiest with you? Really ask yourself this. Are you the best fit for her? Are you guys perfectly compatible in every way? This goes deeper than those movies you both like or the concert you went to with your mutual favorite band. I mean: is there a genuine spark that both of you share?

Yes, there are relationships that can develop over time. But if she doesn’t want to develop it…then why guilt her when it doesn’t work? Why is it her fault that she didn’t reciprocate your feelings? Think about Ethel. Are you feeling guilty that you’ve lead Ethel on all these years now? She hasn’t dropped any hints up to this point. Or maybe you’ve missed them. Do you feel guilty? Honestly, probably not. So the crux of the nice guy argument, that you are entitled to a relationship, is broken. And not remotely fair.

I think that the media is a big part of why you think this way. When you were little, you saw princes constantly save damzels in distress and then end up with the girl at the end (with little feedback from the princess). When you were teenagers, you saw action movies where the big strapping hero gets the girl he rescues (with witty banter in between, but little resistance from the woman)And now you’ll watch a few rom coms, where the nice guy always gets the girl…in the end (you get the point). From birth to adulthood, you’re taught that this model works. Every time.

You’re also taught one other constant: the other guy in the movie is an asshole. You are hard-pressed to find a rom com wherin the guy who the hero competes with isn’t a bad guy. It’s always boils down to, “bad guy insults her cause he doesn’t know what she really likes!” Or the movie will depict the girl in a bad relationship that she doesn’t get out of until the nice Owen Wilson comes along and saves her from Bradley Cooper. (somehow that seems backwards) How would it be if the movies depicted the 2nd guy as a decent person who is just trying to meet a new romantic interest? Or if he was…gasp…also a nice guy! Then the final scene where the hero stops his love from getting on the plane/train/altar at the end would make you cry…for the poor nice guy left standing at the altar, wondering what he could have possibly done to avoid it.

So to counter all this bad media, nice guy, go watch Love Actually. Pay close attention to Rick Grimes. He is a nice guy that is in love with Elizabeth Swann, but she is marrying his friend, Solomon Northup. At the end of their section of the movie, he (kinda) confesses her love to her. And what happens next? Elizabeth thanks him with a single kiss and returns back to her husband. It is such a poignant and well-crafted moment. It should be shown in a lot more romantic comedies: because it’s realistic. And sometimes it’s the best we can hope for.

“Nice guy”, I hope this letter got you thinking a bit. To recap: If you think you deserve a relationship solely on the virtue of you being nice to a girl, then you are wrong. If you think you two have excellent chemistry and would be good together, that’s fantastic! Try asking her out and seeing if it works. And if you make it to the dating stage and she decides it isn’t working, accept it. At the end of the day, if you are the nice guy that you claim to be, then you should want what’s best for the both of you.

Sometimes relationships will develop like Jack and Rose from the Titanic. Other times, it’s one of the sad endings of Love Actually. Keep an open mind. Keep your niceness, because if it’s honest, somebody, someday, will appreciate it.

And for goodness sake, call Ethel and tell her you’re just not that into her.

Sincerely,
Another Guy.